Sick of this life

I've done so well for months and now lately, I'm just down again. I'm never going to get Sierra potty-trained, I'm never going to see my sister again and now I have to find a stinkin job because my stinkin husband is going to he laid off after this week. How am I supposed to freakin work being pregnant and sicker than I was with Sierra?!? Why can't he find a permanent position!? My freakin criminy, I'm so sick of this topic that comes up the end of every year when he gets laid off. "Find a job, find a job" I just wanna scream at him "YOU FIND A JOB THAT'S NOT SEASONAL!!!!" I'm so frustrated and I just want to get away for a while ALONE but I can't even do that!! SICK OF THIS LIFE!!!     >:P. ... .

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Sometimes I hate my husband >:p he's such a butt, why can't I do what I want once in a while?! Sometimes I need a night out alone! Doesn't everyone?? Freaking criminy!

Cry

Do you ever feel the need to cry but can't? That's me today.

Rollercoaster!

I really like roller coasters but this one is driving me nuts.

Runaway

I just want to get into a car, drive away and never come back. Maybe I'd even drive it over a really steep cliff. I don't know how to handle this stuff anymore!!! I cannot handle mt trials anymore! Why me, Lord? I know we shouldn't ask that but I am. WHY???? Why is EVERYTHING so difficult?!? I really hate my life. I can't even make love to my husband, I hate sex!!! There! I said it for the whole world to know! I HATE SEX! BLAH! Screw everything! I just want to get in the @#%*-%$3 car and go away.

Nothing!

I wish I was dead! That's all!

Sick of my life...

'Nuff said. :*(

Burning out

I don't know, I'm burning out. I just feel tired, grouchy, down, etc lately and I can't snap out of it!! I want to cry all the time! I need to be strong, at least for Sierra. What do I do?! What do I need to do to make myself happy?? Please, God, help me!! I'm not strong anymore.

IDK

Last night I was down again because my husband wants me to lose weight! I know it's healthy to be thin. But grr, it's soooo hard! I should have taken care of my body when I was young. I regret that. I hate being fat!! I'm sick of being fat!
I started getting down about other things too. I feel like some people have every stinkin' thing they want! Certain people can commit bad sins and still go to the temple. It isn't fair. Why should they get away with crap? I know I shouldn't judge. I know that the Lord will take care of things in His own time but how do you stop yourself from thinking about things you think are unfair? And "said person" thinks they're an authority on the temple and that they're soooo righteous now and blah blah blah. Sick of it.
I'm kind of down today. I just feel .... down and sad. I wish I could snap out of it. I have the blues. My sister's having a baby blessing in two weeks and I wanna go so bad. My mom gets to go. I wish I was her, she's free to do anything she wants whenever. I'm sick of stupid money, or the lack of it anyway. I want to get out of here, go somewhere. I miss my sister! I hate that she's so far away. At least it's closer than Georgia but still too far for me to travel to. We don't have the money. We never will. They can't come out here either. I miss the days of just having her here in Utah and getting to see her and go places with her all the time. I miss that so bad. We're always gonna live in a trailer. I don't mind living in a trailer, I really don't, because everything is on one level. But sometimes I envy what everyone else has. When am I ever going to learn to be happy with what I have? I just want to cry today. Sometimes when I need to, I can't.
My daughter is such a light in my life. I feel like she was sent here to ME for a reason. I love her so much. I gave a talk in church a couple weeks ago and in it, I told about an experience where I received a blessing in which the Lord basically told me to my face that my husband was sent to help me. Well, since I said that in my talk, my little daughter tells me that sometimes. She'll say "I'm here to help you," I can't believe she would remember that from my talk - she's 2 and 1/2! And kids that age certainly don't listen to talks in church, they seem to be all over the place and playing, coloring, etc. but somehow that sentence got into her head and she tells me that and I just thank Heavenly Father for her! She doesn't know how true her statement is to me sometimes. She does help me. I can't express how much I love her. My heart literally wants to burst open sometimes when I think about how much I love her! It's amazing that you can love someone that much. I guess I understand a little how much Heavenly Father loves each of us, His children. When you have your own children, you feel that yourself. Motherly instinct just makes you feel that way. I'm so glad that she's come into our family. Sometimes when I get down, she's there. I'm grateful for that.
Anyway...I guess I'm done for today. That was a good vent. I feel better. I'm glad I started this blog. I hope it helps anyone else who comes across it. We can beat this! :)

Much better

Yesterday was a terrible day but after some tears and prayers, I feel better. It's always darkest just before the dawn. :)

FINISHED!

I am SOOOO not telling anyone anything EVER AGAIN!! They just stab ya in the back with their own stupid advice and CRAP that isn't true! I'm so sick of the whole stinking world being AGAINST ME!! I'm so finished! I'm finished telling anyone anything. I guess I'll just have to rely on this blog to do my venting. Blah! I hate everything. End of story.

Defeat

I just feel tired. I'm tired of trials. I know we're not supposed to be given anything more than we're able to handle but I'm feeling differently about that lately. I want to cry but I can't. My chest feels tight and I feel like I'm having a hard time breathing. I feel defeated. I feel "finished". I'd like to get in the car and drive away and never come back. I know I can't do that because of my daughter. I'd never do that to her. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing it. I want to make my husband happy but I feel like I'll never do that either. He'll never be happy. I know that I can't change people, they're responsible for themselves. He's bored and frustrated, he told me last night. We'll never have enough money to make ends meet. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sit in my bed and let Sierra watch tv all day. I'm a terrible mother. How can I be a good mommy when all I do is let her watch tv for hours while I feel sorry for myself and my lot in life.

Good!

I've felt good the last few days, let's hope it keeps up for a while. :)

So not a good day...

I am so not having a good day! The whole thing has been freakin' horrible! I'm really down today, I'm feeling fat and ugly, untalented, like a big nothing! I hate it! Of course, I was angry earlier because my husband pissed me off, and I threw a chair at the wall and got a hole in it. I know, so childish. So that's another issue I have to work on.
I'm sick of going up and down, up and down, feeling great one day and like crap the next! I'm sick of it! Why can't I be normal for a week! I'm sick of my trials, I hate 'em. I hate this day and can't wait to put Sierra to bed so I can go to bed just sleep it off. Ugh! I guess that's all. For now. I'm sure there'll be more. Probably sooner than later. >:p:. .

Such a jerk sometimes!

My husband really pisses me off sometimes! He just pisses me off!! We have a calling in our church, which is like an assignment, a job. I really hate the days that he just decides he's not going to go and he leaves me to do it alone! We're in charge of a nursery and there are a couple of kids that are just wild and mean! And when he leaves ME to do it, it just means that I have to deal with them alone! Or when I get there, I have to ask for a volunteer and it's just ridiculous! I'm so fricken mad right now. He's just "not going to go" because there's a "good game" on today, well la-di-da! I wish I could just do what he does and decide "NOT" to go one day but then that wouldn't be fair to the leaders because they have to find volunteers and it's not easy to ask someone to be in the nursery for a couple hours. It's a calling! They expect us to be there! I'm so flamin' mad and all he can say is "I'm sorry." Sorry my BUTT! Stay home and watch your #^$$#! game! JERK!

Note to self...

Everything will work out the way it's supposed to, so pick your chin up off the floor and stop worrying about everything!

For me

This blog is mostly for me to express my thoughts and feelings about the things I go through with depression. If, perhaps, someone stumbles upon it and feels like participating, I hope it helps others as well as myself.
Sometimes I just feel the need to complain or just get some things off my chest and I know that people get sick of hearing it all the time, so basically, this is just something I can use to vent.

I know that Heavenly Father has blessed me so much and helped me come as far as I've come today, I really don't know where I'd be without Him in my life. I know I have things to do in this life, I have things to learn, probably things/others to teach too, maybe I can help someone else who struggles like me. I know there's a reason for everything, I just try to keep my chin up and think about that. I know that He knows what I'm going through and that keeps me going. It really does.

I know what it's like to be at the lowest of the low, I've been there. So down that you just want it to end! I'm tired of my trials. I go from being way up one day to way down the next day. It's so tiring! I don't want to be like that, I get tired of being angry and snapping at everyone and everything when something isn't going right. I don't really enjoy being like that, despite what some may think. (Since it's so often!) I want to be like others I know who seem to be happy all the time, positive all the time despite their problems! You know how sometimes at funerals, people will be talking about the deceased and they say things like, "She never complained, never did a bad word come out of her mouth," etc etc. That won't be me and I wish it was! I want to be different than what I am!

I feel like I'm not cut out for motherhood (or even wife-hood) sometimes. Some days I feel like I do a good job but other days, I just feel like a rotten mother because I yell at my daughter. I know that everyone yells at their kids sometimes but I hate that! I don't like yelling at or being mad at my baby! Grr, some days it seems like she just defiantly does everything opposite of what I ask! It drives me nuts! Like right now, for instance, she's sitting here slapping at my hands and the keys on the keyboard when I'm telling her not to. And it just gets worse and worse! I can't get anything done!

You know, the anger that I feel always leads to saying negative things about myself, which makes me feel worse and then I go down again into a depression, it all just drives me nuts! I hate my trials! We come to earth to learn to deal with our problems and "better" ourselves, but I feel like I'm always going to be like this! How am I ever supposed to change?! How do I change my outlook?

I get so fricken mad that I can't do things like others do - I have relatives who sew and quilt and can fruits and veggies and home-school, crochet, knit, etc. I can't do any of that - I can't even cook! I just feel so incompetent! How am I supposed to teach my children anything when I can't do it myself?! I just want to be self-sufficient but I feel like all I do is wallow. I don't mean to, I hate it. I guess that's all for now.