For me

This blog is mostly for me to express my thoughts and feelings about the things I go through with depression. If, perhaps, someone stumbles upon it and feels like participating, I hope it helps others as well as myself.
Sometimes I just feel the need to complain or just get some things off my chest and I know that people get sick of hearing it all the time, so basically, this is just something I can use to vent.

I know that Heavenly Father has blessed me so much and helped me come as far as I've come today, I really don't know where I'd be without Him in my life. I know I have things to do in this life, I have things to learn, probably things/others to teach too, maybe I can help someone else who struggles like me. I know there's a reason for everything, I just try to keep my chin up and think about that. I know that He knows what I'm going through and that keeps me going. It really does.

I know what it's like to be at the lowest of the low, I've been there. So down that you just want it to end! I'm tired of my trials. I go from being way up one day to way down the next day. It's so tiring! I don't want to be like that, I get tired of being angry and snapping at everyone and everything when something isn't going right. I don't really enjoy being like that, despite what some may think. (Since it's so often!) I want to be like others I know who seem to be happy all the time, positive all the time despite their problems! You know how sometimes at funerals, people will be talking about the deceased and they say things like, "She never complained, never did a bad word come out of her mouth," etc etc. That won't be me and I wish it was! I want to be different than what I am!

I feel like I'm not cut out for motherhood (or even wife-hood) sometimes. Some days I feel like I do a good job but other days, I just feel like a rotten mother because I yell at my daughter. I know that everyone yells at their kids sometimes but I hate that! I don't like yelling at or being mad at my baby! Grr, some days it seems like she just defiantly does everything opposite of what I ask! It drives me nuts! Like right now, for instance, she's sitting here slapping at my hands and the keys on the keyboard when I'm telling her not to. And it just gets worse and worse! I can't get anything done!

You know, the anger that I feel always leads to saying negative things about myself, which makes me feel worse and then I go down again into a depression, it all just drives me nuts! I hate my trials! We come to earth to learn to deal with our problems and "better" ourselves, but I feel like I'm always going to be like this! How am I ever supposed to change?! How do I change my outlook?

I get so fricken mad that I can't do things like others do - I have relatives who sew and quilt and can fruits and veggies and home-school, crochet, knit, etc. I can't do any of that - I can't even cook! I just feel so incompetent! How am I supposed to teach my children anything when I can't do it myself?! I just want to be self-sufficient but I feel like all I do is wallow. I don't mean to, I hate it. I guess that's all for now.